The Rabbit Hole

I am confused at this point. I am not sure if the problem is that I put myself in second place and think more about others or I have adopted this position of victim thinking that it would take me somewhere? No f$$@%^ way! Never a victim.

This can be the pattern also: I have to be strong all the time. I can't rely on anyone. I won't let anyone take care of me because no one is 100% reliable (ufff fuerte... (according to the computer, "fierce", but I don't think that it means the same. But that thought was going somewhere... On a magnificent audiobook by Esther Parel o Perel, she analyzes different relationships on each chapter. Each one a different couple going thru different issues.

From the first one, which was a girl from Mexico that moved to the US to be with her boyfriend, who had to become husband so she can stay (mmm... I know, very familiar situation). I won't spoiled the audiobook by saying everything but what I could take for me from what they talked is that I have neglected my self, in some ways. I don't see as many friends as I used to. By the way, how about @@ clapping on every story that Aaron posts??... Get out of that thought. Not the rabbit hole. Focus on Ester... She asked the girl:

"If in Mexico you can be this girl that is independent, confident, goes out with friends, has fun... Why don't you bring that person to the US?" And that resonates with me because in a way I feel that I have struggled to bring my self from Argentina. Nahhhhh this is 💩... I have been my self many times here, just lately has been bad, but I am getting there. I am writing again (writting?), I am trying to go out more often with friends, trying to talk to friends whom I haven't seen in a while, etc.

So here comes the fourth chapter of the audiobook: (notice how much calmer (no, much more calmed?) is my brain today. I have been able to sleep this week after almost a week of not sleeping and after concentrating in me a little more, I have started to feel less depressed. Also less scared).

A women and her husband visiting Esther to talk about their "politically correct - or something like that - non monogamous relationship". If you don't know what it is, Google it. They decided to become this because the woman found out that she was attracted to women and asked the husband for it. She ended up falling in love with another women but the couple wanted to fix their marriage and make it work for the children.

After a lot of back and forth with Esther, she asks the women about her mother. Her mother was neglective (I like this word... neglect, neglective, neglecting...) and she had to take care of herself during her childhood, which I have suspiciously heard before from a therapist, I can relate (my mom had issues with my dad, all of her married life and they still do. She never left him but also never put her foot down to make it work. Little by little she retracted herself from the picture. It also didn't help that she stopped working and had to raise... Enough. My brain starts going too fast when I think about this. I feel that I had to take care of her. And I still do. I called her two days ago to ask for her help and after opening up to me and talking to me for hours about this issue and my own, she calls me back to tell me that she heard of a Virgin that is called "The Virgin of the Milk" and helps people having kids. I don't want to hear anymore about remedies to have kids. FROM ANYONE!

Suddenly, the calm that comes when the AC is off and I have some hot Chai Tea (even though is a million degrees outside 🤬).

Going back to the chapter 4th, I am not attracted to women but I felt very identified with some things Esther said to this lady. She asked the couple to stand do "the beach exercise", which I am not sure is a real name but its that exercise in which one person has to let her/him/they/none/?? fall on their back and the other person has to hold them so they don't land in the floor. She needs to trust that her husband will take care of here. She explained that the orientation doesn't determined the lack of chemistry with her husband, that the problem is that (of course not with these words) she takes care of everything for the house and the kids and everyone else she knows. And is tired of it. And the husband is not being able to see this in her or understand how she is feeling. So there comes along this other women that she felt in love with and understands her perfectly and makes her feel observed and sexy, interesting and takes her out of her chores to this bubble of "don't worry about anything". Who wouldn't fall in love? Who wouldn't want to live in that bubble?

Whitout noticing, she has been doing everything because can't trust that the husband would take care of things. And that leaves him out of the picture. She says that for them to regain their sexuality he needs to let her show him how and ask her to show him. "It takes a very confident men to say this" said Esther. Of course she explains it much better and who knows if what I am saying even makes any sense but I felt identified. I feel that I can't let go. That I can't relax and need to be all the time in this state of alert because life can collapse so better I make it collapse to at least have the satisfaction of saying "I knew it". Wow. Horrible thought. I have to send all of this to the therapist.

He left. its so lonely without him. I miss touching him. I miss feeling his face close to mine -cries-. I don't want it to end. I wonder if this is good or bad. I wonder if it bothers him that other people are reading this. I hope not. I want to communicate with him but I don't know how -cries some more-.

Like a simple waste of time

How many AirBnB (or however its written) are women needing time for themselves? How many women tired of bullshit out there? Nah, too agressive. It alwasy sounds just like another word but then people open their eyes and look at me like its inapropiate to say that. Well, at least I am speaking in english. I would love not to. But don’t get me wrong, I am greateful for living in this country. Always the subject of the internationality, nationality? citizenship? That annoying word, more than annoying is odiosa, sorry, I don’t know that one in english. A combination of bitter and entitled, like the girls of the realtor shows in LA.

I am filling up a bathtub. Which I had forgotten… takes forEVER. I want to share with you the music that is playing so it really captures the vibe. Let me try.

Lo logré. I mean I made it. At that point it was The Beatles but it got dark now.

I guess it got appropiate. I guess I am getting more appropiate. More in tune with myself. That $$%^## bañera no se llena.

We never change, do we? Nooo Nooo Nooo

We never learn, do we? So I want a live… in a woden house. Where making my friends… will be easy.

Ufff. That would be the deal. To move somewhere were people wear less Prada and more autenticity. Sorry Miamians, no personal offence to anyone but … …. … There’s a lot of lame people out there so not sorry. If you are feeling lame, go ahead and change! Rent an AirBnB and stay there until you find yourself again. Make sure you start filling the bathtub the moment you check in so maaaaaaaybe the day after you can take a bath.

Why do we have that song in my playlist? It annoys me everytime. I think I have it because Aaron likes it. But we like it a little darker.

Veeeeery different vibe. Less sunshine and happiness and more QUESTION YOURSELF 😠👉

I still have random pains from the surgery. They opened me like a pig. They emptied me. What if my cheerfulness was in the fibroids? What if I never get it back? Nah… its there, its just the post surgery depresion. Is it? Its the I am getting lost depresion. But at least Fedra is with me now. My little ray of sunshine. I am so grateful for your existance. You are a lovely, gentle and silent cable to earth.

The bathtub? Not even half way.

For those of you reading for the first time, I have writen since I learned how to write (pfffff of course! jajajajaja. That was unplanned). I meant write as a form of art. I wrote my first book when I was 12 and its called “My husband has another woman”. Which is a true story with some tragic endings for those who didn’t follow what I thought at the time were the right values. Twelve years old and she was already thinking that she was going to change peoples minds and make them think before hurting someone.

This song is so pretty:

Turns out the bathtub doesn’t work. All the water was leaving. All the water left. Damn I really wanted to take a bath. I really wish it wasn’t cold with the AC. The eternal issue of the AC in the hottest place ever.

This is one of the prettiest songs:

It reminds me of Carrascal (a friend from Colombia who also lived in Argentina), who had a son recently. Like every other person in my social media. Not me. I had a c-section to give birth a ball of nothing the size of a tennis ball (first doctor), baby’s head (second doctor) or a grapefruit (third doctor). They didn’t event let me see it.

This is the second part of me that gets extracted. I left my apendix in Argentina (which was an innecesary surgery… maybe? probably? It didn’t hurt at all but they said they could see it and it was dangerous and the surgery needed to happen).

Either way, here we are, leaving my grapefruit baby in Miami and still not sure if that was necessary either. It most be so entertaining to operate. I know it is because I have been in open surgeries recording for social media purposes. I like to think that my surgeon this time didn’t have that much fun. Made a ton of money but it must have been a lot of blood and a little scary to cut more than you need to trying to get all the tissue without hurting the uterus. He said all my reproductive organs are intact. How about my head? They didn’t go there.

“I am very proud of you” he said. Proud of me for laying down and letting you do whatever you wanted with my body while I was incoucious… subconscious? And also paid you a ton of money for it.

I want to do yoga so bad. To stretch every inch of my self. Look at me talking in inches!

This song is great.

Maybe I can start writing for publications here in Yunited Esteits of America. In America, like they say.

Its nice to be in this place. To don’t have to worry about vacuming, doing laundry, cooking. I don’t want to live in that apartment anymore. I wish Aaron could understand it. I like moving. I like changes.

Ah! This song is great!

I wanted this to be our wedding song. When we were going to have a wedding. Why did we cancel that? I wanted a wedding. I still do. I wanted all you can have here in the US. If I have to put up with speaking other language every day for the rest of my life I should be able to have everything other girls have here. And a lot of girls have in South America too but here is out of control. The bachelorette trip? With plastic garbage in the shape of peanus (is that how you write it?).

Why can’t we giiiiive love… that one more chaaaaance… why cant we giiiive love, giiiive love, giiiive love… Thiiiiiis iiiiiis out laaaaaast daaaance.

It’s so good.

Savings are a delicate thing. Like a beautiful white chalky sculpture that you work so hard on and when you are starting to see a semi formed shape of something, life comes and pours hot water in it and melts it to the point of irrecognizable again. I know that sentence came out weird but the image of the sculpture melting was so painful that I couldn’t articulate it any other way.