Do Dog Mothers Count?

I received very kind messages on Mother’s Day from family and friends who probably thought it would be a hard day for me since it’s the first one without my mom, and since, despite all of my efforts, I haven’t been able to become one.

Surprisingly, I didn’t feel too bad that day. I have felt worse on ordinary Tuesdays. I had this calm desire to take care of myself, my dog included as an extension of me, to take care of my needs, worry only about the wrinkles in my neck, my hair, my outfit, her walks, her food.

That day, I felt glad I don’t have kids to take care of, and hesitated about even wanting them for the future.

That day I got a rose from the girl at the front desk, and my husband asked, “Do dog mothers count?” I said of course, and knew he wouldn’t say anything else or make an attempt to acknowledge the day for me in any way — that’s not his way to show love — but that didn’t bother me either.

He left for work, and I sat on the couch and watched a show about a girl having relationship issues, not worth recommending, but it’s my comfort show.

I dyed my hair and then took a very long shower, one with a speaker and a candle. I exfoliated my skin and applied slowly all the recommended skincare steps afterwards.

I put some food in the crockpot so it would be ready at night, took my dog out for a walk, and then went back to the couch and the show.

I lost my mother and I lost many attempts, each one with a name I had already given them, trying to become one.

But on Mother’s Day, I didn’t care. That day I just wanted to worry about me, my dog, my hair, the wrinkles in my neck.