I am confused at this point. I am not sure if the problem is that I put myself in second place and think more about others or I have adopted this position of victim thinking that it would take me somewhere? No f$$@%^ way! Never a victim.
This can be the pattern also: I have to be strong all the time. I can't rely on anyone. I won't let anyone take care of me because no one is 100% reliable (ufff fuerte... (according to the computer, "fierce", but I don't think that it means the same. But that thought was going somewhere... On a magnificent audiobook by Esther Parel o Perel, she analyzes different relationships on each chapter. Each one a different couple going thru different issues.
From the first one, which was a girl from Mexico that moved to the US to be with her boyfriend, who had to become husband so she can stay (mmm... I know, very familiar situation). I won't spoiled the audiobook by saying everything but what I could take for me from what they talked is that I have neglected my self, in some ways. I don't see as many friends as I used to. By the way, how about @@ clapping on every story that Aaron posts??... Get out of that thought. Not the rabbit hole. Focus on Ester... She asked the girl:
"If in Mexico you can be this girl that is independent, confident, goes out with friends, has fun... Why don't you bring that person to the US?" And that resonates with me because in a way I feel that I have struggled to bring my self from Argentina. Nahhhhh this is 💩... I have been my self many times here, just lately has been bad, but I am getting there. I am writing again (writting?), I am trying to go out more often with friends, trying to talk to friends whom I haven't seen in a while, etc.
So here comes the fourth chapter of the audiobook: (notice how much calmer (no, much more calmed?) is my brain today. I have been able to sleep this week after almost a week of not sleeping and after concentrating in me a little more, I have started to feel less depressed. Also less scared).
A women and her husband visiting Esther to talk about their "politically correct - or something like that - non monogamous relationship". If you don't know what it is, Google it. They decided to become this because the woman found out that she was attracted to women and asked the husband for it. She ended up falling in love with another women but the couple wanted to fix their marriage and make it work for the children.
After a lot of back and forth with Esther, she asks the women about her mother. Her mother was neglective (I like this word... neglect, neglective, neglecting...) and she had to take care of herself during her childhood, which I have suspiciously heard before from a therapist, I can relate (my mom had issues with my dad, all of her married life and they still do. She never left him but also never put her foot down to make it work. Little by little she retracted herself from the picture. It also didn't help that she stopped working and had to raise... Enough. My brain starts going too fast when I think about this. I feel that I had to take care of her. And I still do. I called her two days ago to ask for her help and after opening up to me and talking to me for hours about this issue and my own, she calls me back to tell me that she heard of a Virgin that is called "The Virgin of the Milk" and helps people having kids. I don't want to hear anymore about remedies to have kids. FROM ANYONE!
Suddenly, the calm that comes when the AC is off and I have some hot Chai Tea (even though is a million degrees outside 🤬).
Going back to the chapter 4th, I am not attracted to women but I felt very identified with some things Esther said to this lady. She asked the couple to stand do "the beach exercise", which I am not sure is a real name but its that exercise in which one person has to let her/him/they/none/?? fall on their back and the other person has to hold them so they don't land in the floor. She needs to trust that her husband will take care of here. She explained that the orientation doesn't determined the lack of chemistry with her husband, that the problem is that (of course not with these words) she takes care of everything for the house and the kids and everyone else she knows. And is tired of it. And the husband is not being able to see this in her or understand how she is feeling. So there comes along this other women that she felt in love with and understands her perfectly and makes her feel observed and sexy, interesting and takes her out of her chores to this bubble of "don't worry about anything". Who wouldn't fall in love? Who wouldn't want to live in that bubble?
Whitout noticing, she has been doing everything because can't trust that the husband would take care of things. And that leaves him out of the picture. She says that for them to regain their sexuality he needs to let her show him how and ask her to show him. "It takes a very confident men to say this" said Esther. Of course she explains it much better and who knows if what I am saying even makes any sense but I felt identified. I feel that I can't let go. That I can't relax and need to be all the time in this state of alert because life can collapse so better I make it collapse to at least have the satisfaction of saying "I knew it". Wow. Horrible thought. I have to send all of this to the therapist.
He left. its so lonely without him. I miss touching him. I miss feeling his face close to mine -cries-. I don't want it to end. I wonder if this is good or bad. I wonder if it bothers him that other people are reading this. I hope not. I want to communicate with him but I don't know how -cries some more-.
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