I told the therapist a week ago that I was feeling perfectly happy. That work was excellent, the relationship was great, and self-esteem was on point... ten out of ten. She said to write it. And I did. And here I am a week after thinking that the relationship is not that great, that the things we have discussed got deleted from his brain and turns out what I had written after talking with the therapist got deleted too.
I remember some of the things I wrote, and I believe the conclusion was that I was getting better at saying what I wanted and putting limits on those around me (still a work in progress). And maybe that's why today's argument was so hurtful. We agreed on some financial changes. He was doing part of it, but in a way that was not what we agreed on, and when I brought it up, he blew up. Many things hurt me about his blowing up today:
He says that I said things I didn't say. I get it, he feels triggered by some of the things that I said, but that is different from me actually saying those things.
"I have very little faith in the joined savings account because the money always gets expended." Very hurtful one.
The apology for getting so mad becomes getting mad again.
It's hard to go back from these arguments. I got very mad, too, and needed space. I left, and I am glad I did because, hopefully, we can talk when I go back. We can't talk when he gets that upset. He curls his hands in a way that aggressive people do. I am not going that route. We can have conversations about things like civilized adults if he doesn't get so defensive every time it's about finances. I guess we both have a sensitive spot there.
I thought for a moment, "this is it; I need to get a divorce," but quickly realized that I can't think that way with every argument. I can go for a coffee if possible and get some space and perspective. That gives him time to calm down, and we can talk about that later.
In other news, I am losing my enthusiasm for painting. Perhaps I should focus on writing for a while since it's easier to do from anywhere, and it's something that comes out so naturally. But I would love to learn how to do portraits.
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